Doctor:  You look much better this week.

Patient: Certainly I am, doctor. I reckon it’s because I followed the directions of the bottle of medicine you prescribed for me last time.”

Doctor: Splendid! Er-What directions?

Patient: It said: “Keep this bottle tightly corked.”

Mathew had been bitten by a dog and since the wound was taking such a long time to heal he finally decided to consult a doctor.  Immediately doctor realized that the dog must have rabies. 

Unfortunately, because Mathew had left it so long, a serum would not be of any help.  So the doctor told Mathew he had to prepare himself for the worst.  At that moment Mathew sat down and began to write a list of names.

“Perhaps it won’t be so bad,” said the Physician “You need not make your will right now”

“I’m not making out any will”, said Mathew, “I am just writing out a list of people I am going to bite.”

A doctor was seeing of his patients for the first time.

“Funny you haven’t been to see me before! he barked.  “Have you been consulted any other doctor about your condition.”

‘No sir, Stammered the patient. Only the Chemist’.

‘Good heavens man’ snorted the doctor, Have  you no sense?  This just shows how stupid people can be!  The chemist isn’t medically qualified-you had no right to consult him.  And

what nonsense did he tell you? ‘He told me to come and see you!’

Two successful Psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. One was 40 and other over 70 years.  They rode on the elevator together at the end of an unbearable, hot, sticky day.

The younger man was completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior was fresh as a daisy.

 “I don’t understand, he marveled.” How you can listen to drooling patients from morning till night on a day like this and still look so spry and unbothered when over.”

The older analyst said simply, “Who listens?”

A patient discovered that the surgeon had left a sponge inside his stomach. He consulted to the doctor and said, he didn’t suffer any pain, but he was intolerably thirsty.

“I think”, said the doctor, “that although you are very sick man, I will be able to pull you through.”

Doctor, if you do that, when I get well I’ll donate Rs. 10,00,000 for your new hospital.

Months after the doctor met his former patient.  How do you feel now? he asked.

“Wonderful, doctor, find ever better.”

I’ve been meaning to speak to you, “said the doctor,” about that money for the new hospital.”

“What are talking about?” said the patient.  “You said that if you got well, you would contribute Rs. 10,00,000 to the hospital.”  “I said that? asked the patient”,  that just shows how sick I was.”

A heart surgeon goes to a garage repairing his car.  The mechanic being an outspoken person said, “I also repair the heart of the car.  I also remove and change the valves, I also pass the fluid through the small veins of the heart.  Everything I do is similar to your work.  How is it then, that you make so much more money than I do?” The heart surgeon replied smilingly, “You try doing the repairs when the car is speeding away.”

Doctor to a person who had come for guidance on diet  control): “You should have only two chapattis in the morning, 2 in the afternoon and 2 in the evening.  Little of diluted milk and some seasonal fruit in very small quantity.  Is it clear?”

The Patient: “Yes Doctor, but tell me whether I shall eat the same before meals or after the meals.”