Man:   Doc, you've gotta help me. I'm hearing voices but I don't see people.

Doc:     And when are you hearing these voices?

Man:    When I'm on the telephone.


Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Patient:  Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?


Trish: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.

Doctor: You should diet.

Trish: Really? What color?


How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?

Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses.


Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener!
Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright.
Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans? The toast is getting cold!


Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying.

"Why are you crying?" asked the other child.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger." 

When he heard this, the other child started to cry.

"Why are you crying?"

"I'm here for a Eye test."


A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, ''Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.''

''Well, how much does a brain cost?'' asked the relatives.

''For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000,'' replied the doctor.

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, ''Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?''

''Standard pricing practice,'' said the doctor. ''Women's brains have to be marked down because they've actually been used.''


Q: What is the difference between a brain surgeon and God?

A: God doesn't think he's a brain surgeon!


A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.

"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron".

"What about the other one?"

"They called back.


A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem," the man said. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"

"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch."

"Oh no, Doctor," the man said nervously, "I'm not allowed up on the furniture.”